Dogma...Wrestlin' Style
by NeroHighX
Summary: For those of us who never thought that the WWF and the movie Dogma would ever collide....it just did. Written with some of my sister, twstofate's, characters.


*** I feel very strongly that I should put a disclaimer at the top of this story. We don't own the WWF (but God we wish we did), we don't own the wrestlers that appear herewithin (But God we wish we owned most of them [at least Jeff, Jericho, Test, Shane, Matt, don't let us continue]), and we don't own "Dogma", which is probably a good thing…though I wouldn't mind Ben or Matt or Jason Lee. Anyways, this is a humorous story (oh I know, shock!) I'm writing with my wonderful sister (she would be the ME in some of my reviews). Don't take this TOO seriously…yeah. AND REVIEW!!! ***  
  
Title: Dogma…Wrestling Style  
  
The Players:  
  
Jeff and Dallas Hardy: two wrestlers who got kicked out of the WWF and are trying to get back in (Bartelby and Loki, respectively)  
  
Stephanie McMahon-Irvine: The Chosen One charged with preventing disaster (Bethany)  
  
The Undertaker: The voice of Vince, who knew? (The Metatron)  
  
Chris Jericho: The loud mouthed obnoxious prophet sent to help the Chosen One (Jay)  
  
Test: The silent genius prophet who somehow manages to keep Chris alive (Silent Bob)  
  
Madison Reynault: Inspiration, 'nuff said. (Serendipity)  
  
The Rock: Another person sent to aid the Chosen One in her quest. (Rufus)  
  
Lita: Stephanie's closest friend. (janene Garafolo's character)  
  
HHH: The one sent to either aid or destroy Jeff and Dallas…we can't tell which. (Azreal)  
  
Stone Cold Steve Austin: The evil thing sent to foil Stephanie's plans (the Shit Demon {hey, we couldn't resist})  
  
Regal: The official asshole. (The Cardinal)  
  
Matt: Gang member…..yeah….we thought that too.  
  
Chyna, Billy Gunn and Road Dogg: The people who kick Jeff and Dallas out in the first place (The evil hockey kids)  
  
Vince McMahon: The Devil (for our particular purposes)  
  
Mick Foley: God (for our partcular purposes)  
  
And whatever other wrestlers we decide to throw your way…MY AREN'T WE CRAFTY?????  
*****  
  
Setting: The middle of the ring on RAW IS WAR.   
  
Foley: RIGHT HERE IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA- what the hell???  
  
Foley proceeds to get his ass kicked by Chyna, Road Dogg and Billy Gunn. He's beaten down so hard that he's the newest resident in the hospital. That's right coma-ville.  
  
New setting: The back alleyway of the Staples Center. Jeff and Dallas are in the alley. Trish Stratus comes down the alley (oh poor, innocent Trish).  
  
"No no, I'm serious," Dallas said. "And guys are SO over them."  
  
"Really?" Trish asked uncertainly. She wasn't sure there was room in her brain for this new information. Cranial activity hurts airheads.  
  
"Yeah, and they give you cancer," Dallas said, "So you should take them out."  
  
"I heard that hurts," Trish said, looking down at her over-inflated…boots. Yeah, that's right, boots.  
  
"Only for the first month," Dallas said. "It's a hell of a lot more painful getting them in."  
  
"Really?" Trish said.  
  
"I promise," Dallas said. "I heard Blackman say he hates fake er, breasts."  
  
"Okay," Trish said. "So you think I should take them out?"  
  
"Oh yeah, take 'em out, trade 'em in for some baggy pants," Dallas said.  
  
Trish nodded her head.   
  
"Oh yeah, dig the hat Trish," Dallas said about Trish's green cowboy hat.  
  
"Thanks," Trish said, as she skipped off.  
  
Dallas pantomimed Trish's skip as she went to her husband. "There you have it ladies and gentlemen…the weakest link."  
  
"What the hell was that all about?" Jeff asked.  
  
"I was saving a poor girl's life," Dallas said sarcastically.  
  
"You don't know shit about breast implants, " Jeff said. "I know for a fact you don't have them."  
  
"Aw, where it's you who really needs them," Dallas teased her husband.  
  
"You really like to piss people off," Jeff said. "Don't you?"  
  
"There is no greater joy in my life," Dallas said. "Besides you on occasion."  
  
"That's really sweet," Jeff replied dryly. "Can we get back to the subject at hand?"  
  
"Fake breasts?" Dallas asked cluelessly.  
  
"Uh no," Jeff said. "Us getting fired and how we're going to change that."  
  
"I don't know Jeff," Dallas said. "Why bother? I mean Shane's sure to give us work at WCW."  
  
"It's the principle of the thing," Jeff said. "Vince kicked out because X-Punk screwed us over and I'm not taking it lying down."  
  
"You were lying down for X-Pac?" Dallas asked in mock shock. "Is there something you need to tell me about babe?"  
  
Jeff ignored Dallas' comment and said, "Vince says we'll get back in the Federation over his dead body."  
  
"Now there's an idea," Dallas said darkly.  
  
"Hey," Jeff said.   
  
"No really, it's a good idea," Dallas said. "I'm sure we can pay someone to do it."  
  
"Honey, we just lost our jobs," Jeff said. "Now might not be the best time to spend money."  
  
"Okay, we'll just have to do it ourselves," Dallas said. I'm sure Shane would love that.  
  
"Dallas….do me a favor," Jeff asked, impatiently. "Shut the hell up."  
  
"Alright, alright. Now, how do we get back into the WWF dearest husband? I'd like to know when we'd have an opportunity, seeing as we have almost no money and the federation just left for their next venue….IN NEW JERSEY! Or did you forget that very little but ever so important detail!?" Dallas demanded.  
  
"Oh crap, you're right," Jeff realized. "Well, we're just going to have to make it there somehow. And we WILL get there, I promise."  
  
"You better be right. I guess we can hop on a bus, see how far that takes us." Dallas said as the two walked off to the bus station.  
  
************  
  
The Next Day   
  
"Dad…I can't believe you fired Dallas and Jeff! Right out of the blue! What did they do to deserve that?" Stephanie McMahon-Irvine asked Vince.  
  
"Uh…Stephanie, I know that you didn't catch the show because you and Chris were on vacation, but they RUINED MY SHOW! They didn't show up! They were in the main event! I had to have Matt Hardy put on a multicolored wig and get the crap beat out of him by Andrew during a commercial break! Then I had to have Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit team up against Test and Madison! Now I have to find some way to explain why two men who were at each other's throats are now tag team partners! No way in hell am I letting Jeff and Dallas get away with that!" Vince yelled, a vain throbbing in his forehead all scary-like, and stalked out.  
  
"They didn't show up? I can't believe that…it doesn't make sense. Yeah…they may be crazy, but they were always very responsible." She said to herself as the Undertaker walked in.  
  
"Hey Princess, word on the street says that Jeff and Dallas are trying to get back into the Federation," he started, "don't ask me why I'm telling you this for him, but Vince want that to happen. So he told me to enlist you to help him out."   
  
"Why doesn't he do it himself?"  
  
"Hell I don't know. He's Vince, a superior yet very busy man. I don't much care why he can't do it himself either," Undertaker said, "just keep them out of here." With that, he walked out, almost knocking over Lita.  
  
"Hey Lita, what happened to Jeff and Dallas last night?" Stephanie asked her best friend.  
  
"I have no idea! Matt and I were worried out of our minds! We thought something had happened to them, it's not like either of them to not show up to a venue!" Lita said. "Madison thought that Jeff had abducted her or something. Kind of a crazy thought…but you know her. By the bye, why was the Undertaker in here?"  
  
"Oh, my dad wants me to make sure that Dallas and Jeff don't come back into the Federation. He's really pissed off at them, I've never seen him this angry." Stephanie said, "What am I going to do? On one hand, Jeff and Dallas are my friends, but on the other hand, if they didn't show up for Raw, it's a breach in contract, which is a non-negotiable reason for termination. I think I have to go with my dad on this one. Business before friends in this case. I'm sorry, Lita, I know they're family, but this is the only option I have. My dad won't back out on this one."  
  
"Do what you have to do," Lita replied, showing semi-support. "I'm behind you…within reason. If you decide to go after them with heavy artillery, I'm just gonna have to draw the line and run."  
  
"Thanks Lita, I appreciate it."  
  
"Hey, what are friends for?" Lita said, smiling. She gave Stephanie a hug and they walked away to go have lunch with Shane.  
  
  
Alright folks, I (the little sister) am having some technical difficulties typing on my sister's stupid laptop even though I love the thing to pieces, and I figure here's as good as any for a stopping point. Hope you think the story's off to a good start…if not…then we don't like you either. So, REVIEW, tell us you love us, and check back for more to come….and believe me….much more to come. Thanks.  
  
  



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